Who’s the wokest of them all?
“You are!” said the mirror to The Boss as she readied herself to go to work in the morning.
“Ah mirror, you are so right. And so clever. I really do care about why there isn’t enough diversity in TV. Why there aren’t more people like me in senior positions in our industry? And perhaps, most importantly of all, and closest to my heart, why aren’t there more northern people in the industry?”
The Boss admired her visog in the reflection and started to apply her lipstick as the mirror answered “Well perhaps it’s because TV is such a sh*t industry to work in”.
The lipstick left an unsightly trail right up her cheek, “WHAT?” she screeched. “This is the best industry in the whole world to work in. Just look at us - I’ve already said to the staff they can legitimately do less work work than anyone else because I gave them Friday’s off and I’ve given them a nursing room. Or was it a birthing pool? Whatever, we have diverse work force, regional offices, programming that reflects the huge spectrum of Britain’s broad multicultural population…”
“That no-one watches!” interjected the mirror.
“Shut up!” spluttered The Boss. “What else do I have to do for Christ’s sake?”
“Perhaps you could actually pay a fair price for your content.”
“Don’t go there…” she hissed, her hackles up.
“Well, if you did, you would find that people from more disadvantaged backgrounds could actually work in TV rather than having to be subsidised by their parents. That’s problem number 1.”
“And what’s problem number 2?” growled the The Boss through clenched teeth.
“The fact that because you pay so little and only hand out tiny commissions to the small producers it’s only the big producers that can make the shows of scale that you want. Essentially, you’re creating an industry where only the large super Indies can produce work because only they can afford to take the risk of working with your idiotic staff.”
“Idiotic?! What do you mean?”
“Well, the problem with your commissioners is that they are scared of risk and therefore only hand work out to their mates who work in big companies so that they too can one day get jobs in those companies. When they are forced to work with the smaller companies it turns into Project Fear, they suck all the fun out with their never-ending demands, flights of fancy and continual change of opinions.”
“Bu..” interjected The Boss.
“Shhh! I haven’t finished” said the mirror. “As I was saying, your commissioner’s irrational behaviour is tantamount at times to bullying. Except it’s the type of ‘passive aggressive’ bullying that doesn’t really ‘count’ when compared to shouty or physical bullying.”
“I care about bullying - my press office did an announcement about it the other day. We said very clearly that it won’t be tolerated” said The Boss meekly.
“Yes, you’re not lying” said the mirror. “But you need to look at your own channel’s behaviour not always the production company’s. Cause and effect. You pay peanuts, get your organ grinder to be an arsehole, and well…you can expect a stressed out production company to then pass the grief down the line…”
“Oh, I had no idea” said The Boss, tears now welling up and causing her mascara to run.
“Exactly, and because everyone is being ridden like Red Rum around Aintree’s Grand National, whilst being underpaid, people are beginning to realise it’s not actually very fun to work in TV. I mean, why would young people want to go and work in an environment like that, on an increasingly irrelevant medium that only old people watch yet strangely doesn’t cater for them anymore, when they can earn more being a Police Officer.”
“A Policeperson? Who on Earth wants that job - everyone hates them” gasped The Boss who was beginning to wish she hadn’t bothered to put on her makeup this morning.
“Yes, being a copper means they still get treated like sh*t but at least they can retire early and get a good pension, more than you can say for TV which is youth obsessed. And those that do actually try and stick it out in Tellyland end up leaving at the first chance because of the merry dance being led by a few talentless, out of touch halfwits, who think they know what everyone is thinking because they vote Labour and are ‘rock on’.”
“But I vote Labour!”
“Exactly. Can’t you see that most of the country doesn’t and also doesn’t want the same liberal biases being thrown at them that they get from the BBC. No, what they want is not yet more woke messaging but programming that reflects their lives and the best people to deliver that are production companies. But unfortunately, the only production companies you use are the ones that think like your stupid commissioners, or can afford the inevitable overspend on your tiny budgets, which, as I’ve already explained, only exacerbates the problems”.
“So what should I do?”
“Well, I would look at how ‘diverse’ your work force is…..NO!” interjected the mirror as The Boss tried to say she already had the most diverse work force on the planet.
“Not diversity in sex, race, religion or physical ability, how about in thought and age too? How about getting some people who think differently to your commissioners? People who aren’t up themselves, who don’t come from the BBC and live in a city but who actually understand that what you’re trying to achieve on tiny budgets isn’t actually possible without causing distress to the people actually making it.”
“But there would be no-one left!” cried The Boss.
“Exactly” said the mirror.
