A World of Pure Imagination?
With the recent announcement of the July 30th opening of ITV’s ‘£multi-million’ I’m a Celebrity: Jungle Challenge attraction in Quayside, MediaCityUK (formally The Lowry Shopping Centre) an exploration at other ratings winners that UK broadcasters may contemplate turning into theme parks. Or somesuch.
However, unlike Hugo Drax’s (Moonraker, 1979) sumptuous recreation of Maincy’s Château de Vaux le Vicomte (and gardens) in the arid scrubland of California, budgets are understandably limited for the five former terrestrial networks – so don’t expect Jurassic Park.
But hopefully a step up from Tatton Park’s Ken Dodd & The Diddymen Garden Picnic attraction back in 2014.
Possibly Sky’s deep pockets would be enough to construct their own WestWorld in the wilds of Osterley – with a robotic double of former boss Rupert Murdoch stalking the grounds in the manner of Yul Brynner’s Gunslinger.
Incidentally, Sky employees dodged a bullet (sic) with the departure of Murdoch, as according to some reports, he is particularly keen on putting an end to his employees working from home. Some might say it’s bad enough to schlep to desolate Isleworth to work, but throwing COVID into the mix might have been too much for even the keenest go-getting TV executive.
Wending our way back to themed attractions; of course, there are already tours of the Coronation Street and EastEnders sets, where punters can wallow in the authentic soul-sapping depression of the two ailing soaps.
But here’s a few others for broadcasters to contemplate:
Love Island UK – conveniently located on the Thames in sunny Hounslow, 3-acre Chiswick Eyot island would make an ideal spot for a themed cash-in.
And the great thing about Chiswick Eyot is that the island is only a few minutes cab ride/mad dash away from the Twickenham House STD clinic.
Perfick.
Shame about the weather, lack of facilities, pungent river odour and occasional washed-up corpse (human/animal/marine life), but with a chemical loo, funky Nissen hut, Haddaway CD and couple of glow-sticks, it’s gonna be party-time. And at £1,500 a head for a three-night stay it’s a nice little earner for ITV.
And no pesky vaccine passports either.
Naked Attraction – forget the confines of the stuffy London Studio, Channel 4 (in association with producers Studio Lambert) are offering this special (possibly life-changing) themed attraction to fans of the all-nude dating show.
Sparing no expense (actually no expense at all), our wonderland is a picturesque former oil refinery in Essex, only 10 miles from London’s M25.
So, strip off, leave your clothes (and inhibitions) by the skip and wander into a dreamscape of full frontal nudity – served with a soupçon of Mad Max dystopia.
Mattresses (reconditioned) and hygiene stations are provided for visitor use – at no additional charge. Who knows, you may meet the girl, boy etc of your dreams…£55 per adult for a 24-hour, fences open 7am to 23:00 (floodlights in operation from 21:00)
Note 1: For your security, regular armed (crossbow) patrols are in operation to keep away feral dogs reported roaming in the area
Note 2: Studio/Lambert Channel 4 retain all filming rights.
Note 3: Food & drink not provided, reasonably priced snacks available at entrance gate.
The Great Sewing Bee – if you enjoyed the series, you are going to love (sic) this exciting immersive experience from Love Productions and the BBC.
For the cost of a National Express ticket from your hometown and a paltry £70 entry fee, you’ll get to spend 24 whole hours working non-stop in one of Leicester’s finest garment manufacturing facilities. Some of our customers adored The Great Sewing Bee Experience so much that they have yet to return!
And lastly…
Channel 5 and associated channels are bringing you a host of great themed events for viewers of their factual catalogue, where you’ll be in the heart of the action!
Experiences include:
Sewermen
Frozen: Cryonics
Traffic Cops
First Time Call Girl
A&E: When Patients Attack
Plastic Surgery Knifemares
Fare Dodgers
Adults Only: Sex Dolls Gone Wild
Tattoo Disasters UK
Secrets Of the Kellogg's Factory
Britain’s Cocaine Epidemic
Inside Chernobyl
Eaten by an Escalator
Drunk Tank Hangover
Police Interceptors
Ambulance: Code Red
Missing or Murdered?
Undercover Criminal
Etc.
Prices begin at £67 per adult participant (valid 24 hours, no refunds given)
Note: customers are required to wear body-cameras at all times. All footage property of C5/producers.
